January 4, 2011 The Pressure-Cooker Problem
If you want your kids to try new foods you have to stop pressuring them.
Even if pressure gets your kids to eat a few more bites of something, what have you really gained?
- A few more bites in the belly won't teach your kids to like whatever you're forcing them to eat.
- A few more bites in the belly won't make the difference between health and sickness.
- A few more bites in the belly won't save your kids from starvation. It won't even keep them sleeping more peacefully through the night.
- And, a few more bites in the belly won't encourage your child to try new foods.
If your kids don’t eat the way you want them to, you can change things. Trust me, it's tricky— but you can do it. All you have to do is go against every instinct you have and pull back on the pressure. Read Two More Bites.
Pressure (even if you think of it as friendly persuasion) doesn’t work.
Sometimes pressure can be quite subtle.
Parents have lots of ways of putting on the pressure. I'm not just talking about the kind where you serve last night's dinner for breakfast. (You don't do that, do you?) In fact, you don't have to actively bully, bludgeon, or browbeat your kids to get your point across.
If any of the following statements sound familiar, you may be pressuring your children more than you know:
- My child should eat all of the food on his/her plate.
- If my child says, “I’m not hungry,” I try to get him/her to eat anyway.
- If my child eats only a small helping I try to get him/her to eat more.
- When my child says he/she is finished eating I try to get my child to eat one more (two more, etc.) bites of food.
Research shows you may also be pressuring your children if you:
- Reward them with dessert.
- Show disapproval for not eating.
- Offer favorite foods in exchange for good behavior.
- Withhold food for bad behavior.
Instead of pressuring your kids...
I know it seems like there's nothing left to do because everything seems like pressure, but don't despair.
You can encourage your kids to eat a healthy diet and even reward them for doing so. (Just make sure the reward is small, and definitely not dessert. It also helps to reduce pressure if the reward is not immediately after the meal—a small delay works best.)
The key is to foster an environment shaped by a clear set of boundaries and expectations, communication and encouragement. For specific ideas on how to do that read any (or all) of the following:
- Curbing Your Kids' Craving for Control
- It Doesn't Matter When Your Kids Eat Their Crap
- 10 Ways Improving Your Kids' Snacking Will Improve YOUR Life
- You Can't Feed Your Way Out of a Picky-Eating Problem
- How Cottage Cheese Changed My Life
- Lollypops Whenever They Want?
- Playing For Peas
- When Less is More
- Wheelin' and Dealin': 10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Trade Peas for Pie.
- The "Clean Your Plate" Club
- Unleash Your Toddler's Inner Food Critic!
~ Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits. ~
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Sources:
Patrick, H., T. A. Nicklas, S. O. Hughes, and M. Morales. 2005. “The Benefits of Authoritative Feeding Style: Caregiver Feeding Styles and Children's Food Consumption Patterns.” Appetite 44(2): 243-49.
Sud, S., N. Carmela Tamayo, F. S. Myles, and K. L. Keller. 2010. “Increased Restrictive Feeding Practices Are Associated With Reduced Energy Density in 4-6-Year Old, Multi-Ethnic Children At Ad Libitum Laboratory Test-Meals.” Appetite 55: 201-07.
Musher-Eizenman, D. and S. Holub. 2007. “Comprehensive Feeding Practices Questionnaire: Validation of a New Measure of Parental Feeding Practices.” Journal of Pediatric Psychology 32(8): 96--972.
Jansen, E., S. Mulkens, Y. Emond, and A. Jansen. 2008. “From the Garden of Eden to the Land of Plenty. Restriction of Fruit and Sweets Intake Leads to Increased Fruit and Sweets Consumption in Children.” Appetite 51: 570-75.
Galloway, A. T., L. M. Fiorito, L. A. Francis, and L. L. Birch. 2006. “'Finish Your Soup': Counterproductive Effects of Pressuring Children to Eat on Intake and Affect.” Appetite 46(3): 318-23.
Reader Comments (6)
Oh but this is sooo hard when you have kids who bring it all to the table. In theory, I don't pressure. The only rules I have is that you get to chose what and how much to eat from what's on the table during meal time. But then we have the sillies and the requests and the I just need to go check on this or that and I was absolutely definitely not done and I want a huge serving, but will only have one nibble and how much wiggle room can I really bring into "meal time"?
I mean I really try to not bring pressure and conflict to meal time, but my children will often times push and push until I find myself backed in a corner fighting fights I don't want. A lot of it i think has to do with timing - we want to eat together as a family which means the kids are a little bit too tired and hungry to cope.
Thy,
I know what you mean about the sillies and how they can be sooo trying. I know that you know that your kids push until you break and the solution is to have some resources to nip the pushing in the bud - and it sounds like a hearty pre-dinner snack (great time for a salad or veggies and dip) would be a good idea to keep the kids going until dinner time.
Of course, no matter what you figure out, be prepared for the kids to change tactics. That's how they keep you on your toes!
Best of luck,
Dina
I have very much been enjoying your essays on food and parenting, thank you!
I have been looking for information that resonated with me about how to handle feeding our 14 month daughter now and into the future.
When my child says he/she is finished eating I try to get my child to eat one more
This is hard for me to figure out. My daughter does some communication about food. She can sign "food" "finished" and "more", and pull off her bib. But as far as I can tell "finished" sometimes means finished and sometimes means "I am bored, pay more attention to me while I eat."
What can you tell me about the balance between eating at a "meal" and eating on the go at the toddler stage ?
I am trying to give her enough time eating at a sitting so that she doesn't immediately ask for more food as soon as I have cleared off her tray.
Megan,
The toddler years are a time of learning the "rules" of eating. It's not just you who can't figure out whether your daughter is done eating, or simply bored; she can't figure it out either. Your job is to teach her the difference between the two feelings, and to teach her that she should stay at the table until she is done eating. Children don't automatically know when they are hungry or full, they don't automatically know how much food will fill them up, and they definitely don't know how how to cope with the desire to play instead of eat. It's a learning process and you're the teacher.
My advice is that you let her eat on the go for snacks and breakfast (or lunch) and ask her to sit at the table for the other two meals. Then, pay a little more attention to your daughter at mealtimes (to eliminate that variable from the equation) and when she signals she is done, ask her if she is sure because getting down signals the end of the meal. If she wants to get down, let her down. If she wants more food immediately, remind her of the rules (getting down means you're done) and then the FIRST time (assuming she didn't know what was going on), let her get back up at the table to continue eating. Thereafter, if she is hungry immediately upon leaving the table, remind her of the rule and tell her she'll have to wait until snack to eat. If you think she really is hungry, arrange for a snacktime in 15 minutes or so (so you're not being unnecessarily punative), otherwise make her wait until you would normally serve a snack. That's how she'll learn.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Dina
I love your blog! This is exactly what I have been looking for - I know that I was not raised with great eating habits and I am so conscience of trying to teach my 11 mnth old good habits from the start. I am definitely more of a pressure cooker Mom and I need to back off - and apparently stop giving repeats for meals. My 11mnth old is definitly an advanced eater and has been on our normal table food since 9mnths - she eats all meats (even lamb!), fish, dairy, breads, etc, but she is starting to reject things that she has eaten in the past (like tortellini? and clemetines?) and I have probably been brow-beating her and pressuring her into eating her food. She understands me just fine and like Megan above, I sometimes think her "all done" is playing....she will sign, the pick up another piece of food...
She has started throwing her food overboard when she doesn't want it. Today at snack time (lunch is at 11:30, milk at 2, snack at 3:30) i gave her baby goldfish and some diced up prune. She put the goldfish in her mouth and you would think I was seriously offending her and she started throwing them off her tray. Do you have any suggestions? I immediately took the tray away, and said, "OK, you're all done, time to get down"...and she didn't get a snack - didn't really protest either. What woudl you have done?
Thanks so much - I love your site!
Nicole,
I would have done exactly what you did, with one modification: I would have said to her, "When you throw food, it tells me you are done. Are you done?" If she had indicated she was done (head nod, or something) I would have said, "OK, when you're done, say 'All done'" - or whatever you want her to say. If she had indicated she wasn't done, or had said nothing, I would have waited until she threw again and then said, "That means you're all done," and then I would have put her down.
The only difference between what you did and what I'm suggesting is the verbal instruction which teaches your daughter an alternative way to signal she is done. Just putting her down reinforces that this is the way she should signal she is done. (And I'm assuming you don't want her throwing forever!)
It sounds like you have done a great job teaching your daughter to eat!! One more tip: counter her finicky stage with more choices (never more than 2 or 3 at a time). You can also consider using a backup. Read How Cottage Cheese Changed My Life.
Good luck and thanks for the very kind words about my blog.
Dina