Kid Eats Q&A: What do I do about feeding other people's kids at my house?

Thanks to Stephanie for posting this question on my Facebook page.

I don’t think there are many trickier situations in the parenting world than feeding other people’s kids.

Especially, when, as Stephanie points out, these other kids’ don’t eat the foods you normally serve.

“Their normal diets consist of chicken nuggets, hot dogs, pizza, chips, etc. I obviously don't agree with this diet, so I don't allow it at my house. However, they end up not eating.”

Not eating isn’t such a terrible situation, after all, I’m assuming the kids are only on hand for a few hours, but I understand the desire (and the pressure) to feed your little guests.

Coping with the problem of how to feed other people’s kids is just a variant of the predicament you face when other people feed yours.  Both entail a little finesse.  My 3 year old scores junky snacks from other parents & kids. What can I do?

As I see it, you’ve got to feed your kid’s friends.  Something.  Actually…anything.

Most of the stress in feeding other kids probably comes from the fact that you don’t see eye-to-eye with them (and perhaps with their parents) on what they ought to eat. 

But, if you give that up, if you give up the ideal that you will supply a healthy and well-rounded meal, and you become willing to feed your little guests anything you can find, you’re more likely to succeed.

It’s hard to believe that you can’t find something in your kitchen that your kids’ finicky friends will eat. Toast?

My daughter plays with someone who, as far as I can tell, stays alive by eating bread: Pizza, pasta, pancakes, bagels, muffins, and Goldfish crackers are her “go to” items. She also likes chicken. French fries. Cheese. Chocolate.

And apples. 

So what do I usually end up feeding this fickle friend?  Cheese, crackers and apple slices. (Sometimes we branch out and serve her toast with melted cheese. Sometimes we order pizza.)  Do I like that this is what I resort to?  No. Do I find it incredibly frustrating? Yes. Have I occasionally lost my mind? Read Thanks for the Breakfast which I Didn’t Eat.

You don’t have to special-order shop or short-order cook for visitors.

There’s no reason to buy and supply foods that you don’t allow into your home. After all, you don’t just have to feed these friends; you have to honor your culinary credo too.  (Plus, play dates shouldn’t be that much work.)

If there really is nothing in your home that these other kids will eat—When I was young one friend ended up eating a bowl of sour cream and he survived! — consider asking their parents to pack a picnic. (Don’t worry about offending the parents. They probably know their kids are picky eaters!  And if they don’t, they should.)

You don’t have to feed your child the way you feed the friends.

But, it would be nice to.

Let’s be frank: Half of the stress of feeding kids who don’t like what you provide probably stems from the fact that you don’t want them to influence your child unduly. You want your child to eat your way.

But, it won’t kill your kid to eat a sub-par meal from time-to-time.  In fact, doing so will enable her to learn some healthy eating habits.  (And she might just discover she likes your food better.)

Think of cheese and crackers, or toast and butter, as a treat meal (and talk to you toddler about it this way too).

On the other hand, you don’t have to capitulate completely.  I think you should always supplement your child’s meal with the fruits and vegetables you would normally serve (and talk to her in advance about eating them).

It’s OK to send finicky friends home a little hungry.

You can only do your best.  In my opinion, if you’ve made a good-faith effort to feed your kid’s friends, you’ve fulfilled your obligation.  Read The Upside of Hunger.

Besides, it’s not your job to change the way your child’s picky pals eat. 

As for your child, if you decide to provide the occasional hot dog it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Everyone eventually discovers the seamier side of life.  It’s a good idea to teach your tot how to eat these items in the right proportion from the get-go.  Read Feeding Future Adults and Have Your Cake and Eat it Too!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Comments

[Bri]

If we're hosting a child we don't know well (or whose parents' feeding style we don't know well!), we make it a point to let the family know what will be served. Even when we have a birthday party for our children, we tell guests roughly what they can expect for the menu. We then invite the other parents to let us know if they have any allergies, concerns, etc. that will prevent their kids from eating what we're offering. I've never had another parent contact me about the food, and no one has ever starved. :-) Some kids have walked away having eaten only bread, but I don't stress about it since their parents know in advance what's being served, and it's not hard to explain that "he didn't want to try anything but the bread, and I wasn't sure how you'd want me to handle encouraging him to eat some other items." People mainly nod. They get it.
On the upside, kids can really influence each other positively. We were at another family's home for lunch, and the offerings were grilled chicken, a homemade quiche, raw vegetables, and a butternut squash soup. My son wanted the soup but not the quiche; his friend wanted the quiche but not the soup. They both ended up trying some of everything because they saw the other enjoying his/her choices.

[Dina Rose]

Bri,

Thanks for sharing your approach. I agree that kids can influence each other. Your example is terrific. Here's a shout-out to stressing less!

Dina