The Lying Zone

Should you let your kids stop eating even if you suspect they're not quite full?

Or let them eat if you know they're not hungry?

The surprising answer is yes.

Otherwise, kids just learn to lie.

In most families, there is only one legitimate reason to eat: hunger.

That means if kids want to eat something they have to say they’re hungry, even if they’re not. “That cake looks good; I’m hungry.”

It also means that if they don’t want to eat something kids often have o say they’re not hungry, even if they are. “Those peas look gross; I’m not hungry.” (Sometimes kids also say, “I don’t like it,” to get out of eating.)

I don’t really think of this as lying, per se. Rather, children are working with the tools we give them.  

A story to illustrate the problem:

One day when my daughter was about four I needed to drag her along during an unusually long morning of running errands. As we were going to be in a part of town that we rarely visited, which also happened to be near my daughter’s favorite ice cream parlor, I told her that I would take her for an ice cream when we were done.

After running around for most of the morning, we headed over to the ice cream parlor. It was around noon so I asked my daughter if she was hungry. I thought the question was relatively benign but when my daughter stared back at me in silence I knew something was wrong.

I waited a moment and then asked again. Still, nothing. After a few minutes I had an insight.

• “You can’t tell me whether you’re hungry,” I said. 
• “You are worried that if you say you are hungry I will make you eat lunch. Then you’ll be too full for ice cream." 
• "On the other hand, if you say that you’re not hungry, you’re worried that I won’t let you have any ice cream because we don’t usually eat when we’re not hungry. Is that right?” 
• My daughter nodded; her eyes welled up. 
• She was in quite a jam; she really wanted that ice cream.

The solution:

• “How about if you tell me the truth and I promise that you can have ice cream either way.”
•  That reassured my daughter enough for her to admit, albeit tentatively, that she really was hungry. 
• So I suggested that we stop off at a restaurant and share a small salad. After that we would go on for the ice cream.

Insisting that kids eat at least some healthy food before moving on to the fun stuff is a common parenting strategy.

But I wasn’t using the ice cream to get my daughter to eat the salad. I was trying to teach her something about hunger.

So what would I have done if my daughter had said that she wasn’t hungry? If we had the time, I would have pushed off eating for an hour or so until my daughter had more of an appetite. Then we would have eaten the light lunch followed by the ice cream.

But if that wasn’t in the cards, if we had to rush right home for instance, I would have taken my daughter for the ice cream, as promised. I just would have talked to her about hunger first. “Remember,” I would have said, “you’re not really hungry. Normally it would be better to wait until you were hungry, but we don’t have time today. So, let’s just have a small ice cream. You don’t want to get too full, or to get a tummy ache.”

Teach your kids to become fluent in the "language" of hunger—no matter how young they are.

Eating is a complicated business because people eat for all sorts of reasons and kids need to know this.

For instance, in addition to Tummy Hunger, people often eat because of the following reasons: 

• Taste Hunger; something looks good. When this happens, it’s best to have a small portion, just a taste.
• Practical Hunger, they need to eat for practical reasons such as when there won’t be time for lunch later. In this case, you might have to have a few bites even if you aren’t hungry.
• Emotional Hunger, the times we eat to quench uncomfortable feelings. These situations are best responded to with a hug, or other comforting measure.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

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Source: Tribole, E. and E. Resch, 2003. Intuitive Eating: a Revolutionary Program That Works., Vol. 2nd Edition. New York: St. Martin's Press.

Kid Eats Q&A: Help! My son would rather entertain than eat.

Everyone loves the class clown.

Clowns make things fun. They entertain. They make us happy.

Unless, that is, you're trying to get something done.  Like teach a class, or serve some dinner.  As a former college professor, this question really resonated with me.

Brenda writes:

I have a child who spends more time being the entertainment at dinner than eating his dinner. He is 7, almost 8 and from the time he could sit in a high chair, he has enjoyed dinnertime but especially because it's his time to talk and tell jokes and be silly. Sometimes he's out of his chair, most of the time he's in it. And I'll admit, he's so darn entertaining that it's hard to ignore him! He talks a mile a minute and asks a lot of questions--generally just an inquisitive and engaging child.

Brenda continues:

How much do we push our children to eat SOMETHING. Or is it the old, let them be hungry after dinner a few nights and they will then realize mealtime is the time to eat, not 20 minutes later?

Though I'm not a fan of pushing kids to eat more, and I believe that sometimes a little hunger can go a very long way, I think there's a better, more nuanced, solution than simple starvation.

Read Two More Bites and The Upside of Hunger.

Balance entertaining and eating by changing the mealtime environment.  

1. Don't focus on the food...
2. Or on how much your son eats. 

Instead, alter how you interact at dinner.

Read Meals: The Daily Struggle and When Playing is More Fun Than Eating

My 10-Point Plan for Feeding an Entertainer

1) Talk to your child about the importance of eating at mealtimes, and acknowledge that eating rather than entertaining can be difficult and boring.  Brainstorm solutions with your son, including some of the following suggestions.  Read Table Talk and Conscious Parenting.

2) Give your son 10 minutes of pre- or post-meal attention every night so he can revel in having an audience.

3) Limit snacks before dinner so your son is hungry when he sits down to dine.  Alternatively, consider giving your son a quality pre-meal snack (fruit, vegetables, salad, etc.) so you know he’s “good to go,” even if he never really settles down to dinner.

4) Teach your son to share the stage by giving everyone time to talk during meals. Consider using a talking stick to promote table time democracy with a visual cue of who has “the floor.”

5) Set some of the conversation by introducing a topic for discussion: politics, world affairs, geography, the pros and cons of something that's on your mind....

6) Require everyone to stay seated for the duration of the meal (even if standing would really, really enhance the story).

7) Decide, with your son, how much time he should have to complete his meal after the last other person has finished eating.  Use a timer if you think it will help.

8) Give your son gentle reminders to let him know how much eating time he has left.

9) Eliminate after-dinner snacks.

10) Remember to enjoy the nightly show!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Soul Food for Kids

I vividly remember the first time someone tried to soothe my crying child with a sweet.

It was at the doctor’s office after my daughter had gotten a shot.  She was crying and the nurse offered her a lollypop.

Having watched both my mother’s constant struggle with food, and her premature death from obesity-related issues, I was hyper-attuned to the problems associated with using food to soothe the soul. 

And so, that day at the doctor’s office I whipped the lollypop away from the nurse before my daughter could see it.  I soothed her with hugs and kisses and then, only after my daughter had recovered from the trauma, did I offer up the lollypop.

You see, I wasn’t against the lollypop. I was against teaching my daughter to use sweets to soothe her soul.

Research shows that children learn to eat for emotional reasons as early as age 3.

It’s a startling statistic that makes you think.  Read Using Sweets to Soothe the Soul.

Given my history, I’m sure you can see why I was determined from the get-go not to soothe my sweetheart with food.  And while I haven’t always been as effective as that day in the doctor’s office—Read Cookie Love and you’ll see how I adore feeding my daughter sweets and treats—I’ve been pretty good about using food as, well, food.  And it is a good thing too.

A new study shows that mothers who reported using food to soothe their kids tend to have heavier children.

I’m not interested in vilifying mothers.

For starters, I am one, and raising children is hard to do (especially, if like me, you sometimes feel like you’re raising your husband too!).  What’s more, I don’t think anyone is ever really prepared to handle the range of issues that come up with kids.   Sometimes food can be a handy tool.

Here’s the study:

• Gather 100 mothers of 3-36 month old children.
• Ask the mothers a bunch of questions about how they meet their children’s basic needs (feeding, sleeping, crying, soothing).
• Gather data about the children’s height/length and weight.
• Ask the mothers to assess how they feel about their competence as parents, and how ably they feel they meet their children’s needs.
• Ask the mothers to assess their infant’s temperament.
• Crunch the numbers and see what happens.

Mothers who used food to soothe were more likely to describe their infants and toddlers as having a negative temperament.

The mothers were also more likely to feel that they were not effective parents, especially when it came to being able to soothe their children. 

Mothers who used food to soothe their children had heavier children.

Mothers who used food to soothe children with negative temperaments had even heavier children.

Much of the emphasis on child obesity is directed towards identifying the kinds of foods that lead to weight gain. 

This research shows that we need to move beyond thinking about what our kids eat, and start considering why they eat the way they do. 

In this study, the researchers found that using food to soothe the soul can be a successful strategy.  However, the long-term costs are probably pretty high, particularly for children with challenging personalities.

Soothing kids with food teaches them a bunch of bad habits, including these: 

• To use distress (not just hunger) as a cue to eat.
• That eating has rewards (i.e. emotional relief) beyond taste and satiation.

The more negative the child, the more opportunities for soothing, the more risk there is for becoming overweight.

When parents do NOT use food to soothe their kids, especially those with highly negative personalities, the risk for childhood obesity is reduced.

This is good news. 

I think it’s safe to say that nobody wants their kids to be overweight.  This study shows that by switching soothing strategies—consider hugs instead of handouts—parent can teach their kids the habits they need for a lifetime of healthy eating.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

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Stifter, C. A., S. Anzman-Frasca, L. L. Birch, and K. Voegtline. 2011. “Parent Use of Food to Soothe Infant/Toddler Distress and Child Weight Status. an Exploratory Study.” Appetite 57: 693-99.