Soul Food for Kids

I vividly remember the first time someone tried to soothe my crying child with a sweet.

It was at the doctor’s office after my daughter had gotten a shot.  She was crying and the nurse offered her a lollypop.

Having watched both my mother’s constant struggle with food, and her premature death from obesity-related issues, I was hyper-attuned to the problems associated with using food to soothe the soul. 

And so, that day at the doctor’s office I whipped the lollypop away from the nurse before my daughter could see it.  I soothed her with hugs and kisses and then, only after my daughter had recovered from the trauma, did I offer up the lollypop.

You see, I wasn’t against the lollypop. I was against teaching my daughter to use sweets to soothe her soul.

Research shows that children learn to eat for emotional reasons as early as age 3.

It’s a startling statistic that makes you think.  Read Using Sweets to Soothe the Soul.

Given my history, I’m sure you can see why I was determined from the get-go not to soothe my sweetheart with food.  And while I haven’t always been as effective as that day in the doctor’s office—Read Cookie Love and you’ll see how I adore feeding my daughter sweets and treats—I’ve been pretty good about using food as, well, food.  And it is a good thing too.

A new study shows that mothers who reported using food to soothe their kids tend to have heavier children.

I’m not interested in vilifying mothers.

For starters, I am one, and raising children is hard to do (especially, if like me, you sometimes feel like you’re raising your husband too!).  What’s more, I don’t think anyone is ever really prepared to handle the range of issues that come up with kids.   Sometimes food can be a handy tool.

Here’s the study:

• Gather 100 mothers of 3-36 month old children.
• Ask the mothers a bunch of questions about how they meet their children’s basic needs (feeding, sleeping, crying, soothing).
• Gather data about the children’s height/length and weight.
• Ask the mothers to assess how they feel about their competence as parents, and how ably they feel they meet their children’s needs.
• Ask the mothers to assess their infant’s temperament.
• Crunch the numbers and see what happens.

Mothers who used food to soothe were more likely to describe their infants and toddlers as having a negative temperament.

The mothers were also more likely to feel that they were not effective parents, especially when it came to being able to soothe their children. 

Mothers who used food to soothe their children had heavier children.

Mothers who used food to soothe children with negative temperaments had even heavier children.

Much of the emphasis on child obesity is directed towards identifying the kinds of foods that lead to weight gain. 

This research shows that we need to move beyond thinking about what our kids eat, and start considering why they eat the way they do. 

In this study, the researchers found that using food to soothe the soul can be a successful strategy.  However, the long-term costs are probably pretty high, particularly for children with challenging personalities.

Soothing kids with food teaches them a bunch of bad habits, including these: 

• To use distress (not just hunger) as a cue to eat.
• That eating has rewards (i.e. emotional relief) beyond taste and satiation.

The more negative the child, the more opportunities for soothing, the more risk there is for becoming overweight.

When parents do NOT use food to soothe their kids, especially those with highly negative personalities, the risk for childhood obesity is reduced.

This is good news. 

I think it’s safe to say that nobody wants their kids to be overweight.  This study shows that by switching soothing strategies—consider hugs instead of handouts—parent can teach their kids the habits they need for a lifetime of healthy eating.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

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Stifter, C. A., S. Anzman-Frasca, L. L. Birch, and K. Voegtline. 2011. “Parent Use of Food to Soothe Infant/Toddler Distress and Child Weight Status. an Exploratory Study.” Appetite 57: 693-99. 

Kid Eat Q&A: How do you get your toddler to eat at the table?

Thanks to Emily, Ishta and Taryn who posted this question on my Facebook Page.

Maybe this will surprise you, but I don’t think it really matters where you feed your kids.

What matters is:

• How you feed your toddler·   
• Whether you're teaching your tot the right lessons about eating·   

Let me explain.

If you feed your toddler in a variety of venues and she happily eats a wide range of foods without being pressured, coerced or “gamed”—i.e. no begging, no bartering, no cajoling, no reminding, no rewarding, and certainly no tricking (she laughs, you pop a piece of pineapple in)—than I say, “Go for it!”

I don’t care whether you feed your little lovely at the table, in the stroller, while she’s cruising around the living room, or even while she sits in front of the television. 

It’s true the research shows that eating with the family, presumably at the table, is a good thing.

I'm not disputing the importance of the family meal. (Here’s a great website about family meals.)

However, it’s more important to teach your toddler to eat than it is to stress about where she sits.  And, if the table isn’t working for you, you’re more likely to use better feeding strategies if you stay away from it. Or at least minimize how much time you force your babe to sit there. 

On the other hand…if you have to feed your toddler in a particular place or in a particular way—you’ve got to play the game where your toddler is a car who gets gassed up as he drives by, or the one where the “cat” comes mewing by for “treats”—then you’re screwed.  You’re locking yourself into a routine that is teaching your tot lots of lessons I’m sure you don’t intend, including: 

• The worse your toddler eats at the table, the more fun she has.
• Being resistant to food puts your toddler in a very powerful position. It makes her parents do whatever she wants.    
• Your toddler is in control
• Kids lead; parents follow.  

These are not the kinds of lessons that produce good eaters.  The solution is to find the middle ground.

When it comes to feeding toddlers parents have three conflicting goals:

1. Get some decent food into their tots’ tummies.
2. Teach their kids to eat right (i.e. teach them what, when, where, why, and how much to eat).
3. Civilize their little monsters by helping them cultivate some table manners. (They’re not called stroller, car, or couch manners for a reason.)

Many parents prioritize Goal #1, and I get it:

• Your child's very life depends on her taking in enough nutrients. This is BIG.  
• Your sanity depends on your child eating enough to stave off a hunger-induced meltdown or to ensure she sleeps through the night.  This is BIG too.  (It might even be BIGGER.)

When you focus on one goal at the expense of the others you are setting up a struggle down the road.

Ask yourself if your everyday practices are likely to produce all three of your goals.  The answer is probably “no.”

Balance your parenting goals with your child’s developmental needs and personality “quirks.”  Allow some eating on the go, but insist on some daily table time too.  Then, shift the ratio of rewards—attention, fun, and food delights—to make table-time more enticing.  Here’s how:

1) Serve food at the table at least once each day.  Think of this time as table practice time and don’t expect too much.

2) Serve the highest quality foods in the most successful venue.  Make every bite count.  Read 10 Ways Improving Your Kids’ Snacking Will Improve YOUR Life and  “Do No Harm” Snacking.

3) Make a hard-and-fast rule to serve soupy, saucy, and syrupy food only at the table. There’s no reason to risk ruining the carpet, the couch or the car.  Everything else can be made portable. (Sandwich bits in a baggie are often a big hit!) 

4) When you serve dessert, do it at the table. Your child will be more eager to sit and stay.

5) Always sit with your toddler at the table; no one wants to dine alone (even if you aren’t eating).

6) If you are going to play eating games, do this at the table, not in other eating areas.  It will make table-time relatively more rewarding.

7) Let your child leave the table after eating, and allow her to come back for dessert.

8) Consider allowing your child to occasionally eat earlier than the adults and to join the meal at the end instead of in the beginning. This will keep table time short and sweet.

9) Make a point of letting your child choose where she wants to eat at least once a day.

10) Lose the mindset that it’s your job to “get your kid to eat.”  Instead, encourage eating by changing the food environment. Read more about how to get your kids to eat what you serve!

Most importantly, give up the guilt. 

The guilt won’t get you anywhere.  Neither will the “do-anything” approach to feeding your child. What will get you to your goals, however, is paying attention to the lesson, intentions and habits that you're teaching.

For more Read When Playing is More Fun than Eating!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

The Hunger Dilemma

Parents are presented with a BIG problem when kids say they’re not hungry. 

I call it The Hunger Dilemma.

• Should you believe that your little tykes know what they’re talking about, thereby teaching them that they are masters of the universe (or at least masters of their own tummies)? 

                                                OR 

• Should you use your special, souped-up, parent powers to divine hunger lurking around the corner (knowing that it will only rear it’s ugly head 5 minutes after you’ve finished cleaning the kitchen), and assert that your little buggers need to eat (more)? 

Here’s a radical suggestion: Consider doing neither.  Instead, teach your children better communication skills and then problem solve together.  Be warned: You won't always get your way. 

The key to communicating with your kids about hunger is to talk directly about the underlying issues….

Otherwise you’re simply treating the symptoms, not the cause,

Letting your kids dictate when and how much they eat is a lofty goal— and one I highly recommend you honor— but every parent knows it doesn’t cut the mustard in the real world because you also need to:

• Get enough food into your kids to keep them alive (and to keep those growth-chart toting doctors off your back).
• Sync your kids' inner eating clocks with the rest of the world (so they can enjoy family meals now and, hopefully, dating later).
• Teach kids to gauge how much they need to eat to make it to the next snack or meal without turning into whiny weasels.
• Streamline food production so you don't have to become a short-order cook, preparing mutliple meals on demand.

If these parenting challenges aren't enough, parents also have to cope with the fact that kids are apt to say they’re hungry or full based on strategic, rather than physiological, reasons.  Read What “I’m Not Hungry” Really Means.

Tackle these problems head on, and the issue of hunger will take care of itself.

The Problem-Solving Approach.

Instead of asking your kids to finish their food (a practice fraught with perils), follow these 3 steps:

1) Share your concerns: I’m afraid you haven’t eaten enough and you’ll be hungry before it’s time for dinner.

2) Ask your children to share theirs:  It seems like you don’t want to sit at the table right now. Instead, you want to play.  Does that sound right?

3) Problem solve together: What if you eat some of your lunch at the table right now, and then I give you some fruit dessert to eat while you’re playing?  Read When Playing is more Fun than Eating.

Solutions are found in the middle ground.  Read The Goldilocks Approach.

You won’t always get your way.

Eating is a situation where you have to give a little to get a lot.  Sometimes this means giving your kids permission NOT to eat.  (Make yourself feel better by reading The Upside of Hunger.)

Problem-solving with your kids is the only way to:

• End the control struggle.
• Raise your children’s consciousness about hunger and satiety. 
• Teach your kids how to eat in the social world.

~ Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~