Kid Eat Q&A: How do you get your toddler to eat at the table?

Thanks to Emily, Ishta and Taryn who posted this question on my Facebook Page.

Maybe this will surprise you, but I don’t think it really matters where you feed your kids.

What matters is:

• How you feed your toddler·   
• Whether you're teaching your tot the right lessons about eating·   

Let me explain.

If you feed your toddler in a variety of venues and she happily eats a wide range of foods without being pressured, coerced or “gamed”—i.e. no begging, no bartering, no cajoling, no reminding, no rewarding, and certainly no tricking (she laughs, you pop a piece of pineapple in)—than I say, “Go for it!”

I don’t care whether you feed your little lovely at the table, in the stroller, while she’s cruising around the living room, or even while she sits in front of the television. 

It’s true the research shows that eating with the family, presumably at the table, is a good thing.

I'm not disputing the importance of the family meal. (Here’s a great website about family meals.)

However, it’s more important to teach your toddler to eat than it is to stress about where she sits.  And, if the table isn’t working for you, you’re more likely to use better feeding strategies if you stay away from it. Or at least minimize how much time you force your babe to sit there. 

On the other hand…if you have to feed your toddler in a particular place or in a particular way—you’ve got to play the game where your toddler is a car who gets gassed up as he drives by, or the one where the “cat” comes mewing by for “treats”—then you’re screwed.  You’re locking yourself into a routine that is teaching your tot lots of lessons I’m sure you don’t intend, including: 

• The worse your toddler eats at the table, the more fun she has.
• Being resistant to food puts your toddler in a very powerful position. It makes her parents do whatever she wants.    
• Your toddler is in control
• Kids lead; parents follow.  

These are not the kinds of lessons that produce good eaters.  The solution is to find the middle ground.

When it comes to feeding toddlers parents have three conflicting goals:

1. Get some decent food into their tots’ tummies.
2. Teach their kids to eat right (i.e. teach them what, when, where, why, and how much to eat).
3. Civilize their little monsters by helping them cultivate some table manners. (They’re not called stroller, car, or couch manners for a reason.)

Many parents prioritize Goal #1, and I get it:

• Your child's very life depends on her taking in enough nutrients. This is BIG.  
• Your sanity depends on your child eating enough to stave off a hunger-induced meltdown or to ensure she sleeps through the night.  This is BIG too.  (It might even be BIGGER.)

When you focus on one goal at the expense of the others you are setting up a struggle down the road.

Ask yourself if your everyday practices are likely to produce all three of your goals.  The answer is probably “no.”

Balance your parenting goals with your child’s developmental needs and personality “quirks.”  Allow some eating on the go, but insist on some daily table time too.  Then, shift the ratio of rewards—attention, fun, and food delights—to make table-time more enticing.  Here’s how:

1) Serve food at the table at least once each day.  Think of this time as table practice time and don’t expect too much.

2) Serve the highest quality foods in the most successful venue.  Make every bite count.  Read 10 Ways Improving Your Kids’ Snacking Will Improve YOUR Life and  “Do No Harm” Snacking.

3) Make a hard-and-fast rule to serve soupy, saucy, and syrupy food only at the table. There’s no reason to risk ruining the carpet, the couch or the car.  Everything else can be made portable. (Sandwich bits in a baggie are often a big hit!) 

4) When you serve dessert, do it at the table. Your child will be more eager to sit and stay.

5) Always sit with your toddler at the table; no one wants to dine alone (even if you aren’t eating).

6) If you are going to play eating games, do this at the table, not in other eating areas.  It will make table-time relatively more rewarding.

7) Let your child leave the table after eating, and allow her to come back for dessert.

8) Consider allowing your child to occasionally eat earlier than the adults and to join the meal at the end instead of in the beginning. This will keep table time short and sweet.

9) Make a point of letting your child choose where she wants to eat at least once a day.

10) Lose the mindset that it’s your job to “get your kid to eat.”  Instead, encourage eating by changing the food environment. Read more about how to get your kids to eat what you serve!

Most importantly, give up the guilt. 

The guilt won’t get you anywhere.  Neither will the “do-anything” approach to feeding your child. What will get you to your goals, however, is paying attention to the lesson, intentions and habits that you're teaching.

For more Read When Playing is More Fun than Eating!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

When a Child Steals

A client recently wrote to me about a very troubling incident: her 8-year-old daughter had stolen a bathing suit from a fellow camper.  What was she to do?

From time-to-time I get questions that aren’t food-related, and though these typically fall outside my area of expertise, I always give answering these questions a shot.  It’s novel, fun—You know I have opinions! — and the parallels to parenting around food are usually instructive.

My advice was this:

1. Have your daughter return the swimsuit to the camp director.
2. If possible, have your daughter talk to the girl whose suit it was to apologize, and to find out how she had felt when she discovered her suit was missing.  Was she worried? Did she spend time looking for it?  Were her parents upset with her for losing a bathing suit? (This conversation should occur with parental guidance).
3. Talk to your daughter about why she stole the bathing suit instead of asking you to buy her one.
4. Work out a way for your daughter to earn a new suit either by doing chores or by using money from her piggy bank.

My client was onboard with the first three suggestions, but questioned the fourth one.  Wouldn’t buying her daughter a new bathing suit reward her for stealing?

I don’t think so.  Instead, I think of it as taking advantage of a teachable moment.

This young girl stole a bathing suit for a reason, but her mother doesn’t really know what that reason is.  To find out she has to ask her daughter.  But after the mother talks to her daughter, what will she do with the information? Say,

• “Thanks for telling me that you didn’t think I would buy you a new suit.  See you later?” OR

• “I’m glad to know you couldn’t think of any other way of getting a bathing suit.  You were right because I’m not going to get you one now?”

If my client just punishes her daughter (obviously with the goal of teaching her daughter that stealing is wrong) her daughter won’t learn how to get what she wants—the suit—in an acceptable (i.e. legal) way. Instead, she’ll probably just learn how important it is not to get caught.

On the other hand, if my client talks to her daughter about the right way to obtain a suit, and then allows her to earn one, she’ll:

• Foster an open dialogue, encourage honesty and demonstrate to her daughter that they’re both on the same team.
• Teach her daughter how to work towards a goal.
• Remove the risk that the new suit will perceived as a reward. 

It’s all too easy for parents to feel like they are their children’s adversaries, and not their allies.

It’s hard to find the middle ground, especially when you’re upset.  This is particularly true when it comes to food. And let's face it, there are so many situations that can be upsetting: kids steal and/or hoard food, they refuse to eat the perfectly wonderful meal that you just spent hours cooking, they say they're hungry or full when it suits them...

In my experience, parents frequently vacillate between being too lenient and being too punitive; they either follow their kids’ lead—“He won’t eat anything else”—or take a “my-way-or-the-highway” approach.  Neither one works.

It can be hard to find the middle ground.  But the key to teaching healthy eating habits—and to parenting in general— is to establish a clear set of boundaries and expectations while remaining empathetic and respectful of your children’s opinions.   Read The Goldilocks Approach.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Conscious Parenting

Everything I have ever said about teaching kids to eat right boils down to one concept: conscious parenting.

I’m not talking about just being awake; most parents attain that level of consciousness!  I’m talking about being really aware of the lessons you are teaching your kids about food and eating.

In many cases, the intended lesson is NOT the lesson being learned.

The gap between the lesson you think you are teaching, and the lesson your kids are actually learning is where most problem-eating patterns are born.

It’s in this gap that eating problems are nurtured.  It’s where they blossom.

For instance, parents think “two more bites” teaches kids the value of vegetables, but that’s not what kids learn.  Kids learn some (or all) the following:

• I have to eat veggies even if I don’t want them. This makes me dislike them even more.
• Mommy knows better than I do how much I should eat. I should always look to others for clues about portion size.
• Dessert is usually eaten on a full stomach. Feeling full isn't a sign to stop eating; it's when the good times roll!
• How much I eat is open to negotiation.

Read Raising Lawyers.

Your lessons are probably missing the mark if your kids' eating "issues" don't seem to improve—no matter what you do.

Think about it this way: if you know the dinner dance, your kids do too.  They dawdle/you pressure/they ask how many more bites/you say three/they say two...  

When lessons hit home, behaviors change.

I recently wrote about the problem of kids not eating their dinner.  Read The Dinner Dance: When Is Enough Enough? Here are 10 ways you may be unintentionally teaching your kids NOT to eat dinner.  You…

1) Let your child go at a yummy snack or appetizer (cheese and crackers, hummus and chips) just before dinner.  Lesson Learned: Dinner isn't really important; I fill up whenever I eat; Snacks are tastier than meals.

2) Serve a delicious dessert that your child knows is coming (because you keep telling her she has to eat a few more bites of dinner if she wants some), and which she thinks is worth holding out for.  Lesson Learned: Dinner is a chore but desserts rock; Mom and Dad think desserts are tastier than "real" food too; I know exactly how much I have to eat before I'm allowed to get to the good stuff.

3) Serve lots of milk with dinner, especially when your child is thirsty. Lesson Learned: My parents like it when I drink milk; I can fill up on anything I want.

4) Prepare your child’s favorite dinner when he dawdles so long eating the dinner you originally prepared that you want to tear your hair out (or get on with your evening). Lesson Learned: I can hold out longer than my parents; If I make my parents really miserable they give me what I want.

5) Reward your child’s refusal to even taste what you’ve cooked by whipping up something you know he prefers.  (This technique works best if you have a bit of a fight with your child before giving in.) Lesson Learned: When I'm stubborn I get my way; Sometimes it takes a good fight to get the "good" food, but it's worth it.

6) Give in to your child’s request for an after-dinner snack (even though last night you swore you would never do that again) because you’re afraid she’ll get hungry sometime during the night. Lesson Learned: Why eat dinner? There's always something better later; Saying "I'm hungry" is a great procrastination technique; My parents fear my hunger, maybe I should too.

7) Put so much pressure on your child to eat that it’s a point of honor for him to resist.  Lesson Learned: Eating is a power struggle and I usually win.

8) Teach your child the mindset that he has to eat a certain number of bites (instead of listen to his hunger/satiation signals). Then spend the rest of the meal continually negotiating down the number of bites you tell your child he has to eat before being excused from the table.  Before long, the number of bites will approach zero.  Lesson Learned: My parents think they know better than me how much I should eat; My parents don't really mean what they say; If I hold out, I get my way—eventually.

9) Tell your child he should eat something because it’s healthy, because he wants to grow up big and strong, because his big brother eats it.  Lesson Learned: I know I don't want to eat that food because my parents have taught me that healthy food tastes bad (see Lesson #2).

10) Insist your child sit at the table when there’s something really, really exciting happening in the next room. Lesson Learned: The quicker I can convince my parents that I'm not hungry the sooner I can get back to the fun.

Used occasionally, each and every one of these tactics has a place in the parental arsenal. 

Unfortunately, used consistently, or in conjunction with each other, these tactics spell disaster.  Need some ideas on how to get your kids to eat dinner?  Read When Playing is More Fun Than Eating.

Remember, it's not what you feed—it's what you teach—that matters.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~