The Nag Factor

Research shows that children influence purchases like cars, vacations and electronics. And, of course, children influence food purchases.

• Children influence food purchases proactively: One study shows kids put approximately 6 items in the cart.
• Children influence food purchases by nagging: One study shows that some kids ask more than 50 times for particular products.

50 times? That's one helluva parental headache!

Nagging comes in many guises, but it's always a pain in the butt.

Kids nag by:

• Repeatedly asking for items, whining, stomping feet, making fists, grunting.
• Putting items in the shopping cart even when told, "no."
• Having an all-out tantrum.
• Being manipulative, i.e. by professing love or hate for the mother, and by saying other children have the item.

You don't have to take it. You can teach your way out of this problem. (After all, the chances are that you, inadvertently, taught your way into this problem.)

There are two ways to eliminate nagging:

• Say "no" and mean it.
• Say "yes." (After all, if you're going to say "yes" eventually you might as well say "yes" from the get-go and save yourself the fight.)

Don't say no unless you mean it.

"No. No. No. Yes" actually encourages your kids to nag. They know that wearing you down is a strategy that works. They  just don't know when it will work.

 

I can hear the protests now: "But my child continues to ask... even after I've said, 'no!'" 

That's also a strategy that kids learn. After you have said "no" once or twice—the second "no" is kind of like a short grace period— refuse to engage in the conversation (and I use the term conversation lightly).

• "You've already asked and I've already answered. Asking again won't change anything."
• "Even if I wanted to change my mind, now I can't. I don't want you to learn that nagging works." (I LOVE this reply because it teaches the lesson explicitly.)

Then, ignore, distract, or use a time out. BUT, and this is REALLY IMPORTANT, don't ignore the intial request.

• If you ignore the intial request you will promote nagging.
• And don't ignore your child without warning: "I've answered you and now I'm going to ignore your requests."

Clarify the shopping rules before you get into the store.

Here are some ideas:

• You may select one item to purchase that is not on my list.
• You may (or may not) eat that item (or a piece of that item) while we are shopping.
• If you nag me for a second item you will not get the first item.

And, afterwards, of course, "Thank you for behaving so well at the grocery store today."

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Source: Henry, H. K. M. and D. L. G. Borzekowski. 2011. “The Nag Factor: a Mixed-Methodology Study in the Us of Young Children's Requests for Advertised Products.” Journal of Children and Media 5(3): 298-317.

Kid Eats Q&A: Help! My son would rather entertain than eat.

Everyone loves the class clown.

Clowns make things fun. They entertain. They make us happy.

Unless, that is, you're trying to get something done.  Like teach a class, or serve some dinner.  As a former college professor, this question really resonated with me.

Brenda writes:

I have a child who spends more time being the entertainment at dinner than eating his dinner. He is 7, almost 8 and from the time he could sit in a high chair, he has enjoyed dinnertime but especially because it's his time to talk and tell jokes and be silly. Sometimes he's out of his chair, most of the time he's in it. And I'll admit, he's so darn entertaining that it's hard to ignore him! He talks a mile a minute and asks a lot of questions--generally just an inquisitive and engaging child.

Brenda continues:

How much do we push our children to eat SOMETHING. Or is it the old, let them be hungry after dinner a few nights and they will then realize mealtime is the time to eat, not 20 minutes later?

Though I'm not a fan of pushing kids to eat more, and I believe that sometimes a little hunger can go a very long way, I think there's a better, more nuanced, solution than simple starvation.

Read Two More Bites and The Upside of Hunger.

Balance entertaining and eating by changing the mealtime environment.  

1. Don't focus on the food...
2. Or on how much your son eats. 

Instead, alter how you interact at dinner.

Read Meals: The Daily Struggle and When Playing is More Fun Than Eating

My 10-Point Plan for Feeding an Entertainer

1) Talk to your child about the importance of eating at mealtimes, and acknowledge that eating rather than entertaining can be difficult and boring.  Brainstorm solutions with your son, including some of the following suggestions.  Read Table Talk and Conscious Parenting.

2) Give your son 10 minutes of pre- or post-meal attention every night so he can revel in having an audience.

3) Limit snacks before dinner so your son is hungry when he sits down to dine.  Alternatively, consider giving your son a quality pre-meal snack (fruit, vegetables, salad, etc.) so you know he’s “good to go,” even if he never really settles down to dinner.

4) Teach your son to share the stage by giving everyone time to talk during meals. Consider using a talking stick to promote table time democracy with a visual cue of who has “the floor.”

5) Set some of the conversation by introducing a topic for discussion: politics, world affairs, geography, the pros and cons of something that's on your mind....

6) Require everyone to stay seated for the duration of the meal (even if standing would really, really enhance the story).

7) Decide, with your son, how much time he should have to complete his meal after the last other person has finished eating.  Use a timer if you think it will help.

8) Give your son gentle reminders to let him know how much eating time he has left.

9) Eliminate after-dinner snacks.

10) Remember to enjoy the nightly show!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Kid Eat Q&A: How do you get your toddler to eat at the table?

Thanks to Emily, Ishta and Taryn who posted this question on my Facebook Page.

Maybe this will surprise you, but I don’t think it really matters where you feed your kids.

What matters is:

• How you feed your toddler·   
• Whether you're teaching your tot the right lessons about eating·   

Let me explain.

If you feed your toddler in a variety of venues and she happily eats a wide range of foods without being pressured, coerced or “gamed”—i.e. no begging, no bartering, no cajoling, no reminding, no rewarding, and certainly no tricking (she laughs, you pop a piece of pineapple in)—than I say, “Go for it!”

I don’t care whether you feed your little lovely at the table, in the stroller, while she’s cruising around the living room, or even while she sits in front of the television. 

It’s true the research shows that eating with the family, presumably at the table, is a good thing.

I'm not disputing the importance of the family meal. (Here’s a great website about family meals.)

However, it’s more important to teach your toddler to eat than it is to stress about where she sits.  And, if the table isn’t working for you, you’re more likely to use better feeding strategies if you stay away from it. Or at least minimize how much time you force your babe to sit there. 

On the other hand…if you have to feed your toddler in a particular place or in a particular way—you’ve got to play the game where your toddler is a car who gets gassed up as he drives by, or the one where the “cat” comes mewing by for “treats”—then you’re screwed.  You’re locking yourself into a routine that is teaching your tot lots of lessons I’m sure you don’t intend, including: 

• The worse your toddler eats at the table, the more fun she has.
• Being resistant to food puts your toddler in a very powerful position. It makes her parents do whatever she wants.    
• Your toddler is in control
• Kids lead; parents follow.  

These are not the kinds of lessons that produce good eaters.  The solution is to find the middle ground.

When it comes to feeding toddlers parents have three conflicting goals:

1. Get some decent food into their tots’ tummies.
2. Teach their kids to eat right (i.e. teach them what, when, where, why, and how much to eat).
3. Civilize their little monsters by helping them cultivate some table manners. (They’re not called stroller, car, or couch manners for a reason.)

Many parents prioritize Goal #1, and I get it:

• Your child's very life depends on her taking in enough nutrients. This is BIG.  
• Your sanity depends on your child eating enough to stave off a hunger-induced meltdown or to ensure she sleeps through the night.  This is BIG too.  (It might even be BIGGER.)

When you focus on one goal at the expense of the others you are setting up a struggle down the road.

Ask yourself if your everyday practices are likely to produce all three of your goals.  The answer is probably “no.”

Balance your parenting goals with your child’s developmental needs and personality “quirks.”  Allow some eating on the go, but insist on some daily table time too.  Then, shift the ratio of rewards—attention, fun, and food delights—to make table-time more enticing.  Here’s how:

1) Serve food at the table at least once each day.  Think of this time as table practice time and don’t expect too much.

2) Serve the highest quality foods in the most successful venue.  Make every bite count.  Read 10 Ways Improving Your Kids’ Snacking Will Improve YOUR Life and  “Do No Harm” Snacking.

3) Make a hard-and-fast rule to serve soupy, saucy, and syrupy food only at the table. There’s no reason to risk ruining the carpet, the couch or the car.  Everything else can be made portable. (Sandwich bits in a baggie are often a big hit!) 

4) When you serve dessert, do it at the table. Your child will be more eager to sit and stay.

5) Always sit with your toddler at the table; no one wants to dine alone (even if you aren’t eating).

6) If you are going to play eating games, do this at the table, not in other eating areas.  It will make table-time relatively more rewarding.

7) Let your child leave the table after eating, and allow her to come back for dessert.

8) Consider allowing your child to occasionally eat earlier than the adults and to join the meal at the end instead of in the beginning. This will keep table time short and sweet.

9) Make a point of letting your child choose where she wants to eat at least once a day.

10) Lose the mindset that it’s your job to “get your kid to eat.”  Instead, encourage eating by changing the food environment. Read more about how to get your kids to eat what you serve!

Most importantly, give up the guilt. 

The guilt won’t get you anywhere.  Neither will the “do-anything” approach to feeding your child. What will get you to your goals, however, is paying attention to the lesson, intentions and habits that you're teaching.

For more Read When Playing is More Fun than Eating!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~