Kid Eats Q&A: What do I do about feeding other people's kids at my house?

Thanks to Stephanie for posting this question on my Facebook page.

I don’t think there are many trickier situations in the parenting world than feeding other people’s kids.

Especially, when, as Stephanie points out, these other kids’ don’t eat the foods you normally serve.

“Their normal diets consist of chicken nuggets, hot dogs, pizza, chips, etc. I obviously don't agree with this diet, so I don't allow it at my house. However, they end up not eating.”

Not eating isn’t such a terrible situation, after all, I’m assuming the kids are only on hand for a few hours, but I understand the desire (and the pressure) to feed your little guests.

Coping with the problem of how to feed other people’s kids is just a variant of the predicament you face when other people feed yours.  Both entail a little finesse.  My 3 year old scores junky snacks from other parents & kids. What can I do?

As I see it, you’ve got to feed your kid’s friends.  Something.  Actually…anything.

Most of the stress in feeding other kids probably comes from the fact that you don’t see eye-to-eye with them (and perhaps with their parents) on what they ought to eat. 

But, if you give that up, if you give up the ideal that you will supply a healthy and well-rounded meal, and you become willing to feed your little guests anything you can find, you’re more likely to succeed.

It’s hard to believe that you can’t find something in your kitchen that your kids’ finicky friends will eat. Toast?

My daughter plays with someone who, as far as I can tell, stays alive by eating bread: Pizza, pasta, pancakes, bagels, muffins, and Goldfish crackers are her “go to” items. She also likes chicken. French fries. Cheese. Chocolate.

And apples. 

So what do I usually end up feeding this fickle friend?  Cheese, crackers and apple slices. (Sometimes we branch out and serve her toast with melted cheese. Sometimes we order pizza.)  Do I like that this is what I resort to?  No. Do I find it incredibly frustrating? Yes. Have I occasionally lost my mind? Read Thanks for the Breakfast which I Didn’t Eat.

You don’t have to special-order shop or short-order cook for visitors.

There’s no reason to buy and supply foods that you don’t allow into your home. After all, you don’t just have to feed these friends; you have to honor your culinary credo too.  (Plus, play dates shouldn’t be that much work.)

If there really is nothing in your home that these other kids will eat—When I was young one friend ended up eating a bowl of sour cream and he survived! — consider asking their parents to pack a picnic. (Don’t worry about offending the parents. They probably know their kids are picky eaters!  And if they don’t, they should.)

You don’t have to feed your child the way you feed the friends.

But, it would be nice to.

Let’s be frank: Half of the stress of feeding kids who don’t like what you provide probably stems from the fact that you don’t want them to influence your child unduly. You want your child to eat your way.

But, it won’t kill your kid to eat a sub-par meal from time-to-time.  In fact, doing so will enable her to learn some healthy eating habits.  (And she might just discover she likes your food better.)

Think of cheese and crackers, or toast and butter, as a treat meal (and talk to you toddler about it this way too).

On the other hand, you don’t have to capitulate completely.  I think you should always supplement your child’s meal with the fruits and vegetables you would normally serve (and talk to her in advance about eating them).

It’s OK to send finicky friends home a little hungry.

You can only do your best.  In my opinion, if you’ve made a good-faith effort to feed your kid’s friends, you’ve fulfilled your obligation.  Read The Upside of Hunger.

Besides, it’s not your job to change the way your child’s picky pals eat. 

As for your child, if you decide to provide the occasional hot dog it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Everyone eventually discovers the seamier side of life.  It’s a good idea to teach your tot how to eat these items in the right proportion from the get-go.  Read Feeding Future Adults and Have Your Cake and Eat it Too!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Kid Eat Q&A: How do you get your toddler to eat at the table?

Thanks to Emily, Ishta and Taryn who posted this question on my Facebook Page.

Maybe this will surprise you, but I don’t think it really matters where you feed your kids.

What matters is:

• How you feed your toddler·   
• Whether you're teaching your tot the right lessons about eating·   

Let me explain.

If you feed your toddler in a variety of venues and she happily eats a wide range of foods without being pressured, coerced or “gamed”—i.e. no begging, no bartering, no cajoling, no reminding, no rewarding, and certainly no tricking (she laughs, you pop a piece of pineapple in)—than I say, “Go for it!”

I don’t care whether you feed your little lovely at the table, in the stroller, while she’s cruising around the living room, or even while she sits in front of the television. 

It’s true the research shows that eating with the family, presumably at the table, is a good thing.

I'm not disputing the importance of the family meal. (Here’s a great website about family meals.)

However, it’s more important to teach your toddler to eat than it is to stress about where she sits.  And, if the table isn’t working for you, you’re more likely to use better feeding strategies if you stay away from it. Or at least minimize how much time you force your babe to sit there. 

On the other hand…if you have to feed your toddler in a particular place or in a particular way—you’ve got to play the game where your toddler is a car who gets gassed up as he drives by, or the one where the “cat” comes mewing by for “treats”—then you’re screwed.  You’re locking yourself into a routine that is teaching your tot lots of lessons I’m sure you don’t intend, including: 

• The worse your toddler eats at the table, the more fun she has.
• Being resistant to food puts your toddler in a very powerful position. It makes her parents do whatever she wants.    
• Your toddler is in control
• Kids lead; parents follow.  

These are not the kinds of lessons that produce good eaters.  The solution is to find the middle ground.

When it comes to feeding toddlers parents have three conflicting goals:

1. Get some decent food into their tots’ tummies.
2. Teach their kids to eat right (i.e. teach them what, when, where, why, and how much to eat).
3. Civilize their little monsters by helping them cultivate some table manners. (They’re not called stroller, car, or couch manners for a reason.)

Many parents prioritize Goal #1, and I get it:

• Your child's very life depends on her taking in enough nutrients. This is BIG.  
• Your sanity depends on your child eating enough to stave off a hunger-induced meltdown or to ensure she sleeps through the night.  This is BIG too.  (It might even be BIGGER.)

When you focus on one goal at the expense of the others you are setting up a struggle down the road.

Ask yourself if your everyday practices are likely to produce all three of your goals.  The answer is probably “no.”

Balance your parenting goals with your child’s developmental needs and personality “quirks.”  Allow some eating on the go, but insist on some daily table time too.  Then, shift the ratio of rewards—attention, fun, and food delights—to make table-time more enticing.  Here’s how:

1) Serve food at the table at least once each day.  Think of this time as table practice time and don’t expect too much.

2) Serve the highest quality foods in the most successful venue.  Make every bite count.  Read 10 Ways Improving Your Kids’ Snacking Will Improve YOUR Life and  “Do No Harm” Snacking.

3) Make a hard-and-fast rule to serve soupy, saucy, and syrupy food only at the table. There’s no reason to risk ruining the carpet, the couch or the car.  Everything else can be made portable. (Sandwich bits in a baggie are often a big hit!) 

4) When you serve dessert, do it at the table. Your child will be more eager to sit and stay.

5) Always sit with your toddler at the table; no one wants to dine alone (even if you aren’t eating).

6) If you are going to play eating games, do this at the table, not in other eating areas.  It will make table-time relatively more rewarding.

7) Let your child leave the table after eating, and allow her to come back for dessert.

8) Consider allowing your child to occasionally eat earlier than the adults and to join the meal at the end instead of in the beginning. This will keep table time short and sweet.

9) Make a point of letting your child choose where she wants to eat at least once a day.

10) Lose the mindset that it’s your job to “get your kid to eat.”  Instead, encourage eating by changing the food environment. Read more about how to get your kids to eat what you serve!

Most importantly, give up the guilt. 

The guilt won’t get you anywhere.  Neither will the “do-anything” approach to feeding your child. What will get you to your goals, however, is paying attention to the lesson, intentions and habits that you're teaching.

For more Read When Playing is More Fun than Eating!

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

When a Child Steals

A client recently wrote to me about a very troubling incident: her 8-year-old daughter had stolen a bathing suit from a fellow camper.  What was she to do?

From time-to-time I get questions that aren’t food-related, and though these typically fall outside my area of expertise, I always give answering these questions a shot.  It’s novel, fun—You know I have opinions! — and the parallels to parenting around food are usually instructive.

My advice was this:

1. Have your daughter return the swimsuit to the camp director.
2. If possible, have your daughter talk to the girl whose suit it was to apologize, and to find out how she had felt when she discovered her suit was missing.  Was she worried? Did she spend time looking for it?  Were her parents upset with her for losing a bathing suit? (This conversation should occur with parental guidance).
3. Talk to your daughter about why she stole the bathing suit instead of asking you to buy her one.
4. Work out a way for your daughter to earn a new suit either by doing chores or by using money from her piggy bank.

My client was onboard with the first three suggestions, but questioned the fourth one.  Wouldn’t buying her daughter a new bathing suit reward her for stealing?

I don’t think so.  Instead, I think of it as taking advantage of a teachable moment.

This young girl stole a bathing suit for a reason, but her mother doesn’t really know what that reason is.  To find out she has to ask her daughter.  But after the mother talks to her daughter, what will she do with the information? Say,

• “Thanks for telling me that you didn’t think I would buy you a new suit.  See you later?” OR

• “I’m glad to know you couldn’t think of any other way of getting a bathing suit.  You were right because I’m not going to get you one now?”

If my client just punishes her daughter (obviously with the goal of teaching her daughter that stealing is wrong) her daughter won’t learn how to get what she wants—the suit—in an acceptable (i.e. legal) way. Instead, she’ll probably just learn how important it is not to get caught.

On the other hand, if my client talks to her daughter about the right way to obtain a suit, and then allows her to earn one, she’ll:

• Foster an open dialogue, encourage honesty and demonstrate to her daughter that they’re both on the same team.
• Teach her daughter how to work towards a goal.
• Remove the risk that the new suit will perceived as a reward. 

It’s all too easy for parents to feel like they are their children’s adversaries, and not their allies.

It’s hard to find the middle ground, especially when you’re upset.  This is particularly true when it comes to food. And let's face it, there are so many situations that can be upsetting: kids steal and/or hoard food, they refuse to eat the perfectly wonderful meal that you just spent hours cooking, they say they're hungry or full when it suits them...

In my experience, parents frequently vacillate between being too lenient and being too punitive; they either follow their kids’ lead—“He won’t eat anything else”—or take a “my-way-or-the-highway” approach.  Neither one works.

It can be hard to find the middle ground.  But the key to teaching healthy eating habits—and to parenting in general— is to establish a clear set of boundaries and expectations while remaining empathetic and respectful of your children’s opinions.   Read The Goldilocks Approach.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~