Help! We Don't Agree on How to Feed the Kids.

Want to know the last time my husband and I didn't agree on something?

About 20 minutes ago. Seriously, we disagree about a lot of things, but we always work it out. This is part of marriage, right? (sigh)

What do you do when you disagree on how to feed the kids?

Brenda writes:

My husband and I do not agree on a few things, particularly when it comes to artificial sweeteners. He thinks "it's better than nothing" and drinks a lot of soda.

In another case, a reader said to me, “My husband loves potato chips and gives them to the kids all the time. When I tell them not to eat the chips, I feel like I’m getting in between my spouse and my children.

I get these questions a lot, so it's strange that I haven't written about this before. (Thanks Brenda for the kick in the pants.) Here's a strategy I recommend: Arm-wrestle!

No? Ok...

1) Come to an agreement about how you’re going to feed the kids.

In one family...

• The father was very overweight and didn’t want any limits on how much or what his son could eat. 
• The mother, who was afraid the child would become overweight too, wanted very clear limits. 
• They found a middle ground by agreeing that there would be times (such as family picnics) when Dad could decide the menu—anything would go. In return, he would support Mom on the menus she planned for everyday. 

2) It's OK to have adult-only eating rules.

Not everyone in the family has to eat the same way.

It's OK to say, “Dad can snack (or drink soda) whenever he wants to. When you’re older, you can, too. But for now, you can have just one snack (soda) in the afternoon.”

3) What YOU Can Do: Think proportion. There's a place in your children's diets for anything.

Candy? Donuts? French fries? Soda? I say, "Bring 'em on." Just don't let the junk outside the good stuff. Read It Doesn't Matter What Your Kids Eat.

Think of this as a learning opportunity for your kids.Your kids aren't going to live in a world without junk so they might as well start learning how to manage these foods right now.It's an essential skill. 

4) What Your SPOUSE Can Do: Be Honest.

The honest approach is the best approach: "Daddy and I have a different way of eating, but we agree on what we want  you to learn about healthy eating."

Honesty is the best policy because...even people who would rather drink artificial sweeteners, fill up on chips, or eat til they're sick, know there's a better way. And that's what everyone wants for their children.

5) What you BOTH Can Do: Agree not to fight about food in front of the kids.

Nobody wants to turn what the kids eat into a judgment against the other parent.

And a stressful eating environment, with parents fighting over what their children should eat, is even worse for kids than unhealthy foods. 

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~ 

The Nag Factor

Research shows that children influence purchases like cars, vacations and electronics. And, of course, children influence food purchases.

• Children influence food purchases proactively: One study shows kids put approximately 6 items in the cart.
• Children influence food purchases by nagging: One study shows that some kids ask more than 50 times for particular products.

50 times? That's one helluva parental headache!

Nagging comes in many guises, but it's always a pain in the butt.

Kids nag by:

• Repeatedly asking for items, whining, stomping feet, making fists, grunting.
• Putting items in the shopping cart even when told, "no."
• Having an all-out tantrum.
• Being manipulative, i.e. by professing love or hate for the mother, and by saying other children have the item.

You don't have to take it. You can teach your way out of this problem. (After all, the chances are that you, inadvertently, taught your way into this problem.)

There are two ways to eliminate nagging:

• Say "no" and mean it.
• Say "yes." (After all, if you're going to say "yes" eventually you might as well say "yes" from the get-go and save yourself the fight.)

Don't say no unless you mean it.

"No. No. No. Yes" actually encourages your kids to nag. They know that wearing you down is a strategy that works. They  just don't know when it will work.

 

I can hear the protests now: "But my child continues to ask... even after I've said, 'no!'" 

That's also a strategy that kids learn. After you have said "no" once or twice—the second "no" is kind of like a short grace period— refuse to engage in the conversation (and I use the term conversation lightly).

• "You've already asked and I've already answered. Asking again won't change anything."
• "Even if I wanted to change my mind, now I can't. I don't want you to learn that nagging works." (I LOVE this reply because it teaches the lesson explicitly.)

Then, ignore, distract, or use a time out. BUT, and this is REALLY IMPORTANT, don't ignore the intial request.

• If you ignore the intial request you will promote nagging.
• And don't ignore your child without warning: "I've answered you and now I'm going to ignore your requests."

Clarify the shopping rules before you get into the store.

Here are some ideas:

• You may select one item to purchase that is not on my list.
• You may (or may not) eat that item (or a piece of that item) while we are shopping.
• If you nag me for a second item you will not get the first item.

And, afterwards, of course, "Thank you for behaving so well at the grocery store today."

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Source: Henry, H. K. M. and D. L. G. Borzekowski. 2011. “The Nag Factor: a Mixed-Methodology Study in the Us of Young Children's Requests for Advertised Products.” Journal of Children and Media 5(3): 298-317.

Encouraging Kids to Eat

Parents sometimes (inadvertently) send kids the message that they're not good enough in the eating department.

• You only ate 1/2 your peas? Not good enough. Eat some more.
• You tasted this food? I wanted you to eat it.
• You have an unusual (or unconventional) idea for breakfast? Forget about it.

That was where I started in my post last week. I went on to say that parents need to create a positive eating environment.  Read the rest of  Nix YOUR Negativity.

In response, I received the following question from Karen:

Could you please elaborate on what you mean by encouragement when it comes to eating? 

This question comes up a lot, Karen, so thanks for asking it.

The answer boils down to creating reasonable expectations for your child.

Choose an achievable goal for your child.  This mild amount of pressure encourages your child to live up to your expectations and goals.  This encouragement, though, isn't enough pressure that your child won't be willing to "play along." 

If you set an expectation that your child rejects you should retreat to a smaller expectation.

A lot of parents think there is no way they are going to win if they retreat, but you don't retreat completely, you just pick a goal your child is willing to work towards.  (Sometimes this means the first goal is infinitesimally close to your starting point.)

Last night in the webinar, "Eat your vegetables. They're good for you." we were talking about The Happy Bite and parents were asking what to do if your child refuses to take a Happy Bite.

The answer is to retreat to a smaller Happy Bite. Maybe your child needs a much smaller taste. Maybe the taste is too much and she's only ready for a touch, a smell or a kiss. (Yes, a kiss is what it sounds like: Kiss the food.)

If you retreat to a small enough step, and only you— and your kids can determine what that small step is—your kids will comply because they'll think it's easy.  Easy is the key.

Don't get discouraged if your Happy Bite request is ignored at first.  

Sometimes kids reject anything you suggest about eating outright because they need some time to struggle with it and decide they're going to engage in it. Read Let Your Kids Sit With Their Own Struggles.

Repeat your request—once per meal—in a calm, cool and casual way. "Oh, maybe tomorrow."

Reward your child for playing the game.

For many children the reward is your praise. For other children you might want to use an actual reward. I know there is a dispute about using rewards for eating, but in this case we aren't really using rewards for eating, per se, we're using rewards to shape behavior.  Read Star Power.

Karen's question continued:

Specifically, how do I encourage my 9 year-old son (who has ADHD and takes medication that suppresses his appetite) to eat? Our whole family is suffering from the negativity that surrounds our mealtime battles with him. I would love to find a way to get him to, first of all, just eat without fussing. And second of all, to eat more. And third of all, to try vegetables and fruits or a protein other than chicken tenders. Every mealtime is so exhausting and stressful.

Well, Karen, I can't give you specifics because I don't have enough information, however:

1. I love that your first goal is to get your son to eat without fussing.  Identify the steps that your son would need to take from where he is to where you want him to be.
2. Be mindful to eliminate the pressure. Don't focus on how much or what your son eats during this time. This will make meals are manageable for him.
3. Reward your son for each little step he takes in the right direction.

It can be scary to back off the pressure.

This is true especially when you are worried about how much (or rather, how little) your son eats.  However, the pressure is producing most of the problem.  

Trust that if you create a more positive eating environment your son will start eating better (and then remind yourself of this as often as possible).  It sometimes helps to decide in advance how much time you're willing to experiment with. "I won't pressure my son to eat more food for two weeks and see how it goes."

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~